i've never been so mentally balanced in my entire life before;

thank you for loving me, whoever you are ;)

i don't need you, i don't, i never did. longing tugs at my heartstrings but it'll never rip my heart out.

你看你 眉头都打结了
你熟悉的坚韧 到哪儿去了
别因时光而磨损

快找回 那自信的眼神
不要因为爱错了一个人
就否决爱美好的可能

不管如何都不要忘记 你是最好的
要相信你绝对有幸福的资格

你只有一个 独一无二
他不懂珍惜是他太笨
有多少人等著
要做你最 最在乎的人

你只有一个 那么独特
你值得你期盼的快乐
当你不再非他不可
他会知道 失去的多难得

(:

hey -

if we can't find a way out of these problems, maybe we don't need this

might need you to say it's alright,
might need you to make the first day.

hey, yeah, more than angry words i hate the silence
it's getting so loud
well i wanna scream
bitterness, and silence these emotions


- calm the storm in my heart
i've never been the calm kind
lately i've been looking for a miracle.

how we used to live for the nighttime
cherish each moment
now we - desperate, we run for our lives
that's why you've gotta hold me.

hey,
if we can't find a way out of these problems, maybe we don't need this
enemies at war we build defences.

- hold me, by darren hayes.

try slicing a song apart . listen and - pen down the phrases that capture your ear . it means something.

i promise to:

love myself

and stop putting myself down.

face the world bravely;

hazelnut and toffee lingers, cloying, on the back of my tongue. i can feel it all the way down my throat, the area just before my windpipe hits my stomach. the best people are those who try.

i went running last night on a empty (two packs of biscuits count?) stomach; knew, already, that i wasn't quite right. or okay. this vague feeling of dizziness plagued me, and my stomach pinched in a way that it usually never did. uncomfortably, i wondered if i'd skipped one meal too many, and promised myself that this would be the last time that i'd do so. but then i remembered that i'd broken the exact same promise already, so all i did was consign the promise to the heap of already-broken promises in the corner of my mind.

the night was very cold; it was barely drizzling, the remnants of earlier rain clinging stubbornly to the air. the wind was very cold, too. it ran towards me, too busy to leave anything but echoing emptiness in its wake. so i ran and wondered why i was running; in and out of puddles of orange lamplight and sketchy fluorescent from looming houses, tired and aching and wondering why i could stop but it'd still feel like i was running. wondered why i was still here, am still there - why the place that builds me up is the place that tests me the most. why i can be close to you yet tell you nothing at all of how i feel. why i am me and there's always so much left to learn, so much to improve on.

lately i've become more careless, less preoccupied with trying to please people and more concerned with what i feel. maybe that's because i'm trying to retreat from contact with you with skin intact. it scares me, a bit, because this means i'm less willing to learn. change. try. scares me because that means i'm giving up already, and i can't. i can't resign myself to always being second-best.

sometimes i get jealous. of her, of people, because of you, because i'm human and i know that doesn't make it okay to be jealous, but i'll grasp at any excuse i can.

we are never happy with the people we are, are we?

9 Things About Myself:

i.

I want everything. I want to be pretty, I want people to not dislike me, I want fantastic grades. I want the people around me to be happy. I want to be right and never wrong. I want to have unlimited time in a day to procrastinate, I want everything handed to me on a silver platter.

I want to never have these kind of thoughts again.

ii.

I tend to be very unsure of myself. I am only sure when you tell me you like me, show me that you love me and will let me walk all over you.

iii.

I appreciate the small things in life, because I have lost them before.

iv.

I know that everything will come back to me; I do things for people, be nice to them because I want them to be happy. Them being happy makes me feel good.

v.
i want to be sure of the ground underfoot; i am drunk on the feeling of uncertainty, but only if you promise to wait with open arms and trusting eyes for me in case i fall.

vi.
i think i'm the kind of person who just might nibble at myself to spite you. i don't know, i've never been pushed far enough before, and that's a very good thing.

vii.
i want to belong. i think we all do. strangely, sometimes it's about whether we let ourselves belong, not if we really do. because no matter which way you look at it belonging is an arbitrary concept, and the only person it really matters to is yourself.

viii.
i need to forget myself; drown, sometimes, in the typhoon that you are. serve and forget about my own troubles for a while.

nine:
i need to live now. with no regrets.








momentary consideration.

there are things that we can and cannot do.

feel like i've been very childish but am attempting to grow up slowly. that message sort of got reinforced today, when i was changing my very own mattress cover. Small thing, but man the mattress was so heavy! took me quite a while and various unglamorous positions (fbt-clad butt pushing uncomfortably against the blinds of the window, gingerly straddling the horribly huge mattress (normally i'm thankful for the size, haha), and at one memorable point in time hemmed in by the mattress and the wall and wondering how the hell i was supposed to get out (the mattress was standing on its side!)

usually at home i don't even touch the mattress cover, haha. i don't even notice when my cover's changed, sometimes. whee, wouldn't it be good if the whole world was mechanized? D: it would be good if i was learning to be lazy, but now i'm learning to take care of myself, so i guess it's not that good after all.

momentary consideration. i need to remember that. ( :

i went to the temple that day; i didn't know what i wanted to say, much less do, but i know i was looking for relief.

wasn't thinking straight; wasn't walking straight, mind a buzz of frantic activity. but when i left i felt centered; grounded; don't know whether there's a scientific explanation concerning the smoke emanating from veritable hills of gently burning joss sticks and some part of my brain, but to me i left feeling better then i have in a long time.

just in case i forget -

i want to make people around me happy.

i want to reach out and touch people's lives
because i will know i have made a difference
and to me my value will be defined by
whether i have improved the world that's within my touch.

dreaming about a past that's not the past

fancy words and sleight of hand

somehow i miss you so much.